My Mom told me that I didn't seem happy...

 ...like I was sort of sad.

It's just that I never really gave much thought to it. I mean, I've been keeping myself busy, maybe even too busy, with basketball, badminton, reading and working out and recently playing cards almost everyday, and even sometimes a combination of two or more of those in a day, that I don't really have the time to look 'inwards' anymore. I've stopped meditating (or at least attempting to) and I can't remember the last time I actually just did nothing. There was always facebook, twitter, and a myriad of other things to constantly check on when I had nothing to do. In such a way, I always had something to do, even though it might have been a waste of my time.

I also noticed that I didn't express of my feelings anymore, if I had any to begin with (NOTE: Lack of adjectives in my speech). Another evidence would be my lack/reduced number of blog posts/ facebook updates similar to this one, where I talk about what I was feeling at the time. Lately, it's all been those motivational mumbo jumbo. Sure, it's nice to see once in a while, and maybe someone out there might feel inspired from reading them, but those aren't 'me'. They don't express me as a person, nor do they reflect what was going through my mind. Without realising, have I put on a facade?

After my mom told me that I felt like all the energy in my body just flew away, sapped, gone, vamoosed... it just disappeared. Maybe it wasn't because of her, per se, but because what she said was like a wake up call, a reality check of sorts. Am I not happy?

I've always been telling myself that, yes, I was, indeed, happy. Everyday, everytime. I'm happy, I'm happy, I'm happy. Was I really? I'm not sad, I think. Well, on a scale of 0 to 200, where 200 is super absolutely blissful/euphoric, 100 is neutral, and 0 is totally down in the dumps suicidal emo thing, I would say I'm about 110-120.

Why do I say that? Well, simply because I think I'm a pretty positive person in general. Yet, at the same time, there are a lot of things I'm not very satisfied about.

I feel that I could've been so much better, can do so much better and can be so much better than I am. My parents would say that things and life are proceeding just as they should be, but I can't help feeling like I had a bigger role to play.


I'm also getting frustrated that I'm not getting any better at basketball. Coupled with the fact that I have a bad right knee and left ankle, I wonder what's going to happen in the future?

On the other hand, I'm still very healthy, and there's a lot to be thankful for; good food, good people. 
Not to mention that Jasmine is going to go to UK soon. I know, I know, it's not like she's going to disappear or something. It's just that she seems so far now.
I remember reading somewhere that you can teach yourself to believe your own lies if you keep repeating them. And maybe, somewhere down the road, my white lies became truths.



Well, after typing all those, I realize that I'm happier being happy after all.