Dream Diary Day 13

I was sleeping in my cousin's house when I had this dream.

***

I was in line in some restaurant (it looked like McDonalds). There was a guy in front of me, and a girl behind me ( I can't remember whether I recognized them or not).  The girl had an "insignificant" presence to all others except the guy and I, in a sense that she wasn't a ghost or anything, it's just that people don't take notice of her. The guy and I ordered our food respectively; he took his stuff and went away while I waited near the counter for my order.

The girl behind me then went to the counter and tried to order her food, but was effectively ignored by the waiter and the person behind her just brushed past her and started ordering his/her stuff anyway. So I was like, "excuse me? My friend wants to place her order." and the waiter just suddenly noticed her standing there and apologized. My friend, the girl with the insignificant presence, thanked me.

Warped to somewhere else, I was talking to another friend, a senior, who had supposedly gone to the UK. I saw her in campus, then I was like, "what are you doing here?" and she was like, "Terence, did you know your gigi rongak and ada lubang?"

And suddenly I just started touching my front tooth to find a huge hole there. And then I woke up.

Home

Why did a sudden wave of homesickness suddenly swallow me?

I got a feeling that if I didn't go out with my friends so much-- didn't eat together, play together, laugh together-- I'm sure I wouldn't be missing home like this. It's not like it's a bad place, where I am, but I just can't help longing for those days to last forever. Heh, yeah, "those days". I seem to use that phrase pretty often.

Before this, I was so caught up with Jasmine leaving that I didn't have time to prep myself, I guess. It's like, whoah, suddenly I'm gone too. I'm not ready to start my term yet.

I just wished all of us could have spent a little more time together, or not at all. But how much is "a little more" time? Time is never enough.

Well... enough ranting I guess.

Sometimes I interchangeably use sad and tired in my speech.  

Start of a new term

Well, it's time. Tomorrow (today, actually, since it's past 12) I'm gonna go back to Nottingham and start my new term there as a Year 1 Mechanical Engineering student, staying with new friends in a new house. I'm still the same me, but I'm sure I've changed a little over the months. I can't say I've made the "best" decisions in my life, or even if I've made the "right" ones. Who knows, right? Maybe in a parallel universe, there would be a different me doing all the things that I might've done, but didn't do. But that's for him to experience. I just have to do my best with the things presented to me at the present moment. That sounds about right.

 Isaiah and I were talking about how it might feel to have done something different in the past; What if I had been more active in sports when I was younger? What if I had done this, or that? What if I had not gone to Genting 2 years ago?

Well, after some conversing, we concluded that we wouldn't change anything in our lives even if we had the chance to re-live it all over again. Because who knows, the subtle decisions are the ones that may cause the biggest changes.

I saw a picture of a group of friends who went met up at the same place every 5 years and took a photo together. I thought it'd be a nice thing to do.

Dream Diary Day 12

I had a dream... I had a gun. It was a weird looking gun. It looked like an old model gun. I had to cock the hammer after each shot. One thing I noticed (now that I'm awake) was that the gun didn't need bullets. There were always bullets ready. I was fighting these 2 vampire-like things. They were humans, essentially, but they had some sort of power.

 Anyway, one of them was a girl, and I think she was called "Rin" and the other guy was my father. I tried shooting Rin but to no avail; she wasn't affect by my shots at all. And she tried shooting me back. I remember we were in the dark and funny enough, she couldn't really see me. She relied on sound a lot. Anyway, suddenly my father grabbed my leg, and then Rin was preparing to shoot me. So , I shot him. It worked this time, because he let go and screamed in pain.

I managed to run away . Upstairs, I was alone. Suddenly I was packing my stuff, clothes, etc. There was another part here, but I can't remember. Then I woke up.

Dream Diary Day 11

I had a dream, but I can't remember much of it. I was dying, and my back hurt. There was this girl (a reaper?) who asked me, "When do you want to die?". And I told her, "Not yet." And then I watched 'my friends' live their lives. "My friends" because I don't really recognize any of them, now that I think about it. There were also other parts, but I can't seem to see how they connect. There was some fighting, I had to kill a hydra-like monster. You know, the one with many heads. And... I can't remember anymore.

Dean's Excellence Award

Today I just received the email notifying me that I was shortlisted into the Dean's List. Well, that's fine news indeed, in such dreary times.

Jasmine Takes Off for Cardiff, UK.

A few weeks back I used to wonder,
  "Would I cry when the time came?"
And now sometimes I still ponder,
 "Will I ever be the same?"

I tried to not let my tears fall
  but maybe I tried to hard;
Because now I feel nothing at all
  Not even my heart.

***

I realize that I really am a coward. I thought of what I would finally write here; but in the end I'm not gonna write anything I thought I would.
My parents asked me, "What does she mean to you?" And I didn't know how to answer.  Anyway, we saw her off at the KLIA airport last night. 

***

Hatten Hotel

I don't feel like writing about it. It was something like the Last Supper, excuse my usage of it. I'm probably at an all time low now. Goodbye.

Well, Jasmine invited me for dinner over at Chatterz, Hatten Hotel. It was a buffet dinner with the gang.  It was fun. Lots of photos up too.

My Mom told me that I didn't seem happy...

 ...like I was sort of sad.

It's just that I never really gave much thought to it. I mean, I've been keeping myself busy, maybe even too busy, with basketball, badminton, reading and working out and recently playing cards almost everyday, and even sometimes a combination of two or more of those in a day, that I don't really have the time to look 'inwards' anymore. I've stopped meditating (or at least attempting to) and I can't remember the last time I actually just did nothing. There was always facebook, twitter, and a myriad of other things to constantly check on when I had nothing to do. In such a way, I always had something to do, even though it might have been a waste of my time.

I also noticed that I didn't express of my feelings anymore, if I had any to begin with (NOTE: Lack of adjectives in my speech). Another evidence would be my lack/reduced number of blog posts/ facebook updates similar to this one, where I talk about what I was feeling at the time. Lately, it's all been those motivational mumbo jumbo. Sure, it's nice to see once in a while, and maybe someone out there might feel inspired from reading them, but those aren't 'me'. They don't express me as a person, nor do they reflect what was going through my mind. Without realising, have I put on a facade?

After my mom told me that I felt like all the energy in my body just flew away, sapped, gone, vamoosed... it just disappeared. Maybe it wasn't because of her, per se, but because what she said was like a wake up call, a reality check of sorts. Am I not happy?

I've always been telling myself that, yes, I was, indeed, happy. Everyday, everytime. I'm happy, I'm happy, I'm happy. Was I really? I'm not sad, I think. Well, on a scale of 0 to 200, where 200 is super absolutely blissful/euphoric, 100 is neutral, and 0 is totally down in the dumps suicidal emo thing, I would say I'm about 110-120.

Why do I say that? Well, simply because I think I'm a pretty positive person in general. Yet, at the same time, there are a lot of things I'm not very satisfied about.

I feel that I could've been so much better, can do so much better and can be so much better than I am. My parents would say that things and life are proceeding just as they should be, but I can't help feeling like I had a bigger role to play.


I'm also getting frustrated that I'm not getting any better at basketball. Coupled with the fact that I have a bad right knee and left ankle, I wonder what's going to happen in the future?

On the other hand, I'm still very healthy, and there's a lot to be thankful for; good food, good people. 
Not to mention that Jasmine is going to go to UK soon. I know, I know, it's not like she's going to disappear or something. It's just that she seems so far now.
I remember reading somewhere that you can teach yourself to believe your own lies if you keep repeating them. And maybe, somewhere down the road, my white lies became truths.



Well, after typing all those, I realize that I'm happier being happy after all.

Outing--Met Mr. Ong and Mr. John Tay

Today, after dinner, Isaiah came to pick me up. And then, we went to pick Jia En and Jasmine. We were headed to DP. Along the way, Isaiah and I, as usual, started poppycocking about how Fan Kiat was supposed to join us but because of Jasmine he didn't wanna come. Jasmine's flustered replies and Isaiah's continous barrage of blame was as interesting as ever. Jia En was quiet the whole time, except when he said one sentence and Jasmine snapped at him, "Shut up, Jia En!"

We arrived at DP and stood around green apple chatting while waiting for Fan Kiat. Usual chatter. Fan Kiat arrived and then we, or rather, the two of them, ate at US pizza while we watched. After that, we went to Tiga Ros to lepak ala mamak.

When we were about done, we met Mr. John Tay(Primary school headmaster) and Mr. Ong (Secondary school principal). What a combination eh? We spoke to them and Mr. Ong gave us some of his life advice and experiences, such as

We have to cultivate the roots (character, moral values) and spread our wings (education).
How traveling can be an eye-opener for us.
Being grateful.

Dream diary day 10

I was playing a game at the arcade, with my mother. It was a pretty scary game. It was a shooting game. I remember the main character was a female lead. Anyway, it was like a shooting game where kept losing. And the antagonist kept mocking me, personally, not the female lead. Anyway, suddenly I was in my wira-- it had some minor problems like jerking and stuff-- with Jasmine, Jia Lin and Isaiah, and maybe Glenn was there, but I can't remember so clearly anymore.

We wanted to go somewhere together. So, we went to this place, I can't remember how I got there, or even where it was-- it was dark and there was a building. I parked my car outside, and phoned my father to come take the car because I wouldn't be needing it. So the four/five of us walked into the building and went down a really long and dark flight of stairs. The stairs were different from normal stairs in the sense that there were four normal steps, and suddenly one large drop down, and then another four normal steps.

As we were walking, suddenly I was walking down alone (but that didn't seem to faze me, it's like I just realized this after I woke up). I couldn't see the bottom of the stairs. It was just dark. I remember we were talking together, but eventually the talking stopped. Suddenly, I remembered that I was holding the car-keys, and that my father couldn't take the car without them (actually he has a spare key, but in my dream it didn't occur to me).

I tried calling my father, but he didn't answer. I remember the phone rang, but he didn't pick up. I called twice, and then decided to turn back and climb back up. I climbed and reached back up. I was alone in the dark. I phoned my father again, no response, However, on the second try, somebody answered the phone-- but I didn't find out who, I >decided< to wake up at the point.