A proper start to a holiday.

Some of my friends. This picture was taken in the evening at the bridge a few days ago.

So in all holiday fashion, my friends and I went for a night stroll just before we separate as we go back to our respective hometowns for the 1 week long Raya break. We sat around the bridge in the middle of the lake illuminated by lights from the fountains and chatted, aimlessly, without much care about time. Laughing our hearts out. Then, we went to the Arabic corner to just sit down as Louis, Michelle and Pei Li shared a triple cheese naan. Watched some videos and stuff as Louis filled his phone with songs, and then we headed back to our respective rooms.

Some teachers say chatting with your friends is a waste of time. I say that doing just that is the best way to spend your time. If I were to tell you what we actually did, I can't; because it was just that. We did nothing, yet we did everything :)

So it's 1:20am, and I'm supposed to go back HOME(!) in about 7 hours. Well, doesn't matter if I don't get sleep. I just feel kind of happy today. Good day.

As much as I try to be happy, I can't.

Some of my friends in University.(Melaccan, Sarawakian, Penangian, Johorian)

Sometimes I wonder how I got so many Distinctions and High Distinctions when my results are only "just like that"?

I've got 2 high distinction and 2 distinction certificates from the University of New South Wales, as well as a distinction for the American Mathematics competition and Australian Mathematics competition.

With so many credentials behind my mathematical prowess, how did I make so many mistakes? 82.5%. That was my marks on my latest maths test. I've never gotten so low for maths before. Ever. And it wasn't even hard. Sometimes I feel like slapping myself a thousand times over. I knew how to answer the questions. It was so easy, I could have gotten full marks. Yet, why? Mistakes? Overconfidence? I tend to get overconfident all the time. Was that a negative trait of mine? My mother used to call me "cocky"(actually she still does sometime), but I always wondered, why can't I say I can do something when I can do it? Because of that, I tend to not say anything about anything at all.

I remember saying that I will get straight A's for PMR when I was in form 2 (I was the only one who raised my hand when a teacher asked the class, only after that did a few others follow). In form 3, I was sort of told off by my mother for saying that I will get the results I want. Why couldn't I say that? I did put in a lot of effort after all. Did I not deserve to be confident of my own abilities?

The limit of my "cocky"-ness wasn't limited to exams; it extended to competitions, debates, and just anything in life like being able to play a song, a game, and so on.
I really hate being looked down upon. Really really hate it. If even I can't have faith in myself, who would have faith in me?

I remember that there was once when I blew off when my mother chided me. The feelings are still there in my heart, really, because I had to give in or my family would know no peace.
"How would you know what I know and what I don't? You don't know what I can or can't do. So don't tell me not to say something I know I can do."

I proved them wrong in standard 6 and form 3, when I scored perfect grades. But in Form 5, even though I got 8A+ and 1A, I felt as if I was being mocked. Even I felt disappointed with myself. I could just hear them saying, "Talk big some more, why don't you? Yet you can't even deliver on what you said you would."

Many people congratulate me on my "achievement". What can I say except "thank you"? Some people even go so far to ask me how I managed to achieve such "good" results. Did I have some strict regime to follow? Nope. Did I study 8 hours a day? Definitely not. I just told them I respected my teachers a damn lot and listened to them in class. But that's beside the point. Why ask me when I'm not the best? Why not ask those who scored perfect grades? Was it pity? Don't pity me. It's just a nicer way of saying I'm being looked down upon. "Oh, he got an almost perfect score. Let's give him some attention so he doesn't feel so sad."

That exam was a big blow to my pride. Rather than feeling happy, I felt sad; remorseful even. I tend to say that I still got 8A+, like it was some sort of consolation to me. But deep down, I hate speaking of my results. It's like taking part in some competition and achieving second place. Hey, I still got second, right? Wrong. There was no solace in knowing you were second best.

Many of my friends might be able to notice that I've become a lot less vocal compared to how I was back in lower secondary . Heck, even primary school (Maybe they won't, as I didn't and don't really talk much). I rarely ever talk about what I can do anymore. I don't use definitive words like for sure, definitely and of course. I tend to use maybe, I think, or we'll see. It's like my big block of confidence just shattered into billions of pieces and I've become somewhat of a shadow of myself.


Well, that's it for today. DEPRESSING THOUGHTS, GO AWAY!

A few more days...

EDIT: I'm happy.

Disappointed, not happy; just like SPM.

I won't post this on facebook as I do to my other thoughts as I believe it might offend some people or make people think I'm an elitist ass.(they aren't wrong for the latter)

So I just got back my Mechanics A test 1 result. I'm highly disappointed of them. For the record, my marks were 42/45 (93%).

I can't help but feel the similarities between this scenario and when I took my SPM results on 23 March 2011. Elation, at first; then, disappointment; because there were people better than me, and because I knew I could have done better myself.

Anybody would call me crazy if I said I was disappointed in my SPM results when I had a "near" perfect score. I'm a perfectionist by both nature and nurture, so every time I write down... A+, A+, A+, A; I get a little annoyed. It's not often that I'm not the top. And this time, it's the same. Always second best. Everything I do tends to end up being second best. And no matter what I do, I'm always just second best.

Talking about that has got me thinking. Why do I like English so much? Was it because I loved the Language and all its quirks, or was it because I was naturally the best at it? Ever since primary school I never had to "study" English nor did I have to "practice" writing, and I would naturally be at the top of the class for that particular subject.

Well, I promised Jasmine that I wouldn't be depressed, so,
DEPRESSING THOUGHTS, GO AWAY! FHOOO!

Bazaar Ramadhan

Lots of food, pretty cheap. Food tastes quite ok too, though some were less than satisfactory.

4 Northern Girls, 1 Southern Guy (MID VALLEY TRIP)

Pretty majestic, if I do say so myself.

The four girls standing in the ladies' carriage area.

Will update it soon... unless I procrastinate any more than I already am.

Watak-watak utama
Saya
Jia Xin
Yi Xin
Nomee
Rochelle