The Bittersweet Dark Chocolate

"Happy birthday," I wished her as I gave her a small, lightly decorated, cardboard box which had her name written on it.

"Thank you!" she gleamed and gave me a hug as she accepted the present. "May I open it now?"
I shrugged, slightly embarrassed, and avoided her shining eyes. "Go ahead. It's yours."

She carefully lifted the casing to reveal a beautifully wrapped bar of dark chocolate which had the words "Zawsze w milosci" printed on the front. She took it out and examined the gift from all angles, but aside from that phrase, which was written in some foreign language, and the fact that it was a bar of dark chocolate, she could gather no more information about it. She must've known that I was not the type of person to do something for no reason, and so she asked me, clearly puzzled, "Why the dark chocolate?"

I smiled and looked at her. Her beautiful brown eyes were looking intently back into mine-- and as we stared into each other, our brains processing every minute detail of our faces, we both started to smile-- smiles that were so radiant they could brighten up the whole room... and deep down I somehow knew that she understood what my gift meant but, still, she waited for me to say something.

...
Dark chocolate. It symbolises the bittersweet love I have for you. For all the nights we spent talking under the starlit sky, for all the experiences we shared together... you were my first love, and I know, from personal experience, the saying to be true: we will never be able to forget the first loves in our lives; I will never be able to forget you.

Was it really love that I was in? It must've been, for I suffered all the symptoms love-struck people seem to suffer from. Maybe the gift I got for you was my way of saying goodbye, and that I shouldn't try to prolong my self-torture any longer, and that it was time for me to move on with my life and keep the past in the past just like you have done... but at the same time I could never really let go-- the gift also symbolises my selfishness, my hopes that we could still be as close as ever and never change despite Father Time ticking away. A part of me wants you to tell me to stay away, that you were disgusted with a being like me and then maybe I could finally give up, but another part wants you to tell me to stay, and I didn't mind being chained to the past forever even if everyone else said that I shouldn't. My infatuation was just like the bittersweet dark chocolate, but far more bitter than sweet.
...

"I thought you might like it," I told her simply and winked, changing the mood of the conversation instantly. Just then, her boyfriend came and told her it was about time they were planning to cut the cake. He excused himself and took her hand as I watched them go off amid the cheering of our friends and soon they were blocked from my view. No, there was no way I could've said what I really wanted to say. I drank another glass of grape juice, and started to cheer for them too. I wished the two of them the best. I honestly did. I honestly wished I did.

Why be Mindful?

It's human nature for our minds to wander... don't worry if your mind wanders. When you realise that your mind's all over the place, bring it back. The more often you can remember to bring it back, the better you become at being aware of yourself. Train yourself to come back more often, rather than staying present for longer periods. The best time to train yourself to be more mindful is when you are not mindful.

When you are aware-- mindful of yourself, of your mind-- you are able to immediately recognize your feelings, emotions and thoughts, the quality of your steps-- whether light or heavy, and the quality of your breath--whether shallow or deep.

The quality of your breath and that of your steps are good indicators of the quality of your life. So, put all your attention into taking your one step, one step at a time; and all your attention into your one breath, one breath at a time... slowly, but surely, and without distractions.

We all have somewhere to go, and something to do. But there is no need to hurry. Don't rush and end up losing the guaranteed present for the unsure future or the already gone past.

Remember, be mindful and aware of your breath and steps. Breathe!
May you be well and happy!

2014, The "Growing Up" Year

As with all year ends and beginnings, I try my best to reflect on my year by means of a year-in review and give my thoughts on the upcoming year as a sort of reality check to see what I've been doing with my life, and whether I've been making reasonably good use of the time available to me (understanding that I'm far from perfect).

For me, it's difficult to view 2013 and 2014 separately as the highlights of both years centre around me being in UK and my consequent travels around Europe. As I've mentioned before, I've already gotten used to the feeling that my years begin in September and end in July, coinciding with the British academic calendar, ever since enrolling in Nottingham University. So, it doesn't really feel like a new year to me, even if 2014 is being escorted off the centre stage as I'm banging away on my keyboard like this.

Overall, I would say 2014 feels like a 'growing up' year to me, because of all the exposure I've gotten from backpacking through Italy and Greece. 2014 has treated me rather well, I might add, seeing as I'm gratefully still alive even though I've flown cross-country multiple times in light of the aviation tragedies this year. Not to mention that I've had people I've held dearly and known personally pass away en route to their destinations this year, but I would not like to elaborate on that as it would make me irrevocably depressed. But ultimately, I'm very, very, grateful to be alive and the concept of memento mori has just gotten a lot clearer to me. Alongside the fact that I've become, by legal definition, an adult this year, 2014 really feels like it has forced me to grow more than I would have liked.

I suppose I've sort of been suffering from a case of finding a place to belong to, ever since coming back from UK. I faced a similar problem back in my first year when I switched courses to Mechanical Engineering, and 2012 wasn't a very good year for me. This time around, though, I suppose I'm coping pretty well. Maybe it's all the growing up I've been doing, but I don't feel all that lonely all the time anymore. I mean, I still do, sometimes, of course, for want of a few people I can just call up and hang out with anytime without giving two hoots about what other people might think about us. But I feel like my relationships with my friends have become somewhat... fragmented-- broken into separate parts that don't quite fit together. It's like I'm close with a few people, but all of them are from separate groups and they don't quite get along with each other too well. It's a pretty complicated feeling, as I'm not used to, and am not competent in, one-to-one conversations.

Another thing that has been weighing on my mind recently is the advent of finding a significant other. To be honest, I've never really given much thought on this issue. I've always had the idea that, if it happens, it happens-- that there was no need to proactively do anything but live life as usual. Am I mistaken? I don't know. But as I've grown older, it's gotten pretty clear that more of my friends have gotten romantically attached, and while I'm not at all against the notion, I feel that, as it stands, I already have quite a lot on my plate and my hands are already quite full. Furthermore, as my mother would so eloquently put it, "if she makes your heart beat faster and faster and faster, and your knees go weak...then you'll know". But I don't know. It's been irritating me for quite a bit, actually, all this "you'll know it when it happens" kind of thing. I don't know it.
*insert deep sigh here*

Putting that aside, I've also mused over the idea of writing, and my future with it. Considering that almost every long, over-1000-word, status I write takes me well over an hour to produce, I wonder if I'll actually get far, if anywhere, with my writing. Even the poems I write only happen if I do get an inspiration somehow, and are inconsistent as they come. Family and friends tell me I write well, and I appreciate the generous encouragement I've been getting. I'm lucky, in that sense, that I am able to surround myself with positive people most of the time. One of my life dreams is to ultimately have one of my books published, and I suppose, with my constant ramblings, I am slowly working my way there.

Well, at any rate, the time limit I've set for myself has all but expired. It's exactly 12:01, 1 January 2015, as of this post getting published. I don't have many expectations for 2015, but in general, I hope 2015 treats me well too. May this year bring us happiness and joy, and may we all be well and happy, free from suffering, as we traverse through the year together. Thank you for being together with me throughout all the years, and I hope we'll continue to remain friends even in future.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!