As much as I try to be happy, I can't.

Some of my friends in University.(Melaccan, Sarawakian, Penangian, Johorian)

Sometimes I wonder how I got so many Distinctions and High Distinctions when my results are only "just like that"?

I've got 2 high distinction and 2 distinction certificates from the University of New South Wales, as well as a distinction for the American Mathematics competition and Australian Mathematics competition.

With so many credentials behind my mathematical prowess, how did I make so many mistakes? 82.5%. That was my marks on my latest maths test. I've never gotten so low for maths before. Ever. And it wasn't even hard. Sometimes I feel like slapping myself a thousand times over. I knew how to answer the questions. It was so easy, I could have gotten full marks. Yet, why? Mistakes? Overconfidence? I tend to get overconfident all the time. Was that a negative trait of mine? My mother used to call me "cocky"(actually she still does sometime), but I always wondered, why can't I say I can do something when I can do it? Because of that, I tend to not say anything about anything at all.

I remember saying that I will get straight A's for PMR when I was in form 2 (I was the only one who raised my hand when a teacher asked the class, only after that did a few others follow). In form 3, I was sort of told off by my mother for saying that I will get the results I want. Why couldn't I say that? I did put in a lot of effort after all. Did I not deserve to be confident of my own abilities?

The limit of my "cocky"-ness wasn't limited to exams; it extended to competitions, debates, and just anything in life like being able to play a song, a game, and so on.
I really hate being looked down upon. Really really hate it. If even I can't have faith in myself, who would have faith in me?

I remember that there was once when I blew off when my mother chided me. The feelings are still there in my heart, really, because I had to give in or my family would know no peace.
"How would you know what I know and what I don't? You don't know what I can or can't do. So don't tell me not to say something I know I can do."

I proved them wrong in standard 6 and form 3, when I scored perfect grades. But in Form 5, even though I got 8A+ and 1A, I felt as if I was being mocked. Even I felt disappointed with myself. I could just hear them saying, "Talk big some more, why don't you? Yet you can't even deliver on what you said you would."

Many people congratulate me on my "achievement". What can I say except "thank you"? Some people even go so far to ask me how I managed to achieve such "good" results. Did I have some strict regime to follow? Nope. Did I study 8 hours a day? Definitely not. I just told them I respected my teachers a damn lot and listened to them in class. But that's beside the point. Why ask me when I'm not the best? Why not ask those who scored perfect grades? Was it pity? Don't pity me. It's just a nicer way of saying I'm being looked down upon. "Oh, he got an almost perfect score. Let's give him some attention so he doesn't feel so sad."

That exam was a big blow to my pride. Rather than feeling happy, I felt sad; remorseful even. I tend to say that I still got 8A+, like it was some sort of consolation to me. But deep down, I hate speaking of my results. It's like taking part in some competition and achieving second place. Hey, I still got second, right? Wrong. There was no solace in knowing you were second best.

Many of my friends might be able to notice that I've become a lot less vocal compared to how I was back in lower secondary . Heck, even primary school (Maybe they won't, as I didn't and don't really talk much). I rarely ever talk about what I can do anymore. I don't use definitive words like for sure, definitely and of course. I tend to use maybe, I think, or we'll see. It's like my big block of confidence just shattered into billions of pieces and I've become somewhat of a shadow of myself.


Well, that's it for today. DEPRESSING THOUGHTS, GO AWAY!

A few more days...

EDIT: I'm happy.